Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Dear Blogger Friends...
Blogger friends and readers, you know I love you, don't you? I don't like abandoning my page like this, but, alas, I have outgrown this site. I just have too many books and I can't fit them all here. Please forgive me. I have relocated to www.pjjoneswrites.com . I sure hope you can follow my blog posts there. I will have exciting guest bloggers, and every Monday, informative editing articles just for writers. Won't you join me there?
Sunday, September 4, 2011
And the Crappiest Poet is....
It’s a tie!
Aren’t I the lucky gal tonight? Having to decide between two men! Alas, I cannot, so I guess they both win!
Rex Jameson, congrats on the release of Lucifer's Odyssey , btw.
This line has earned a place in the anals (or is it annals?) of poetic craptitude.
My love for you overflows onto my cheeks,
like a cup filled with hot, love butter.
Uh….eeewww!!!
George Berger, you are a man after my own heart. How did you know I loved crude?
Roses are white,
and lilies are, too.
My cock-ring's too tight
and my thing's turning blue.
Bwahaha!!!
Congrats! You both will receive a certificate celebrating your poetic ineptitude (when I get off my ass and design it sometime this week) plus a free download of either Romance Novel, The Vampire Handbook, or my double-feature parody hopefully releasing this week, Melvin the Dry Cleaning Zombie and Vampire Shoe Warehouse.
Thanks, everyone, for sending me your awesome…er crappy poems! I am definitely thinking this will be an annual event.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
New cover! New stories!
Melvin the Dry Cleaning Zombie and Vampire Shoe Warehouse, two Halloween short stories, are currently in edits and should be available on your Kindle next week. I'm selling both together for one low price of .99. What do y'all think of the cover?
These stories all compliment my paranormal parodies, especially The Vampire Handbook and my soon-to-be-released Ralphie, the Special Werewolf. Ralphie is part of a Halloween anthology with an awesome group of writers, The Indie Eclective. To learn more about us, visit here.
http://indie-eclective.com/
In the meantime, here's a scene (unedited, sorry) from Melvin, the Dry Cleaning Zombie!
MELVIN, THE DRY CLEANING ZOMBIE BY P.J. JONES
These stories all compliment my paranormal parodies, especially The Vampire Handbook and my soon-to-be-released Ralphie, the Special Werewolf. Ralphie is part of a Halloween anthology with an awesome group of writers, The Indie Eclective. To learn more about us, visit here.
http://indie-eclective.com/
In the meantime, here's a scene (unedited, sorry) from Melvin, the Dry Cleaning Zombie!
MELVIN, THE DRY CLEANING ZOMBIE BY P.J. JONES
Melvin Metnik had broken the cardinal rule.
Never have unprotected sex with a zombie.
Actually, the cardinal rule for dating zombies was to not date zombies in the first place. But Melvin had always prided himself on being a rule breaker.
This time, though, he feared he may have gone too far.
Once again, he looked down into the toilet water. At the tip of his penis floating aimlessly in the tinted blue liquid.
Damn. I shouldn’t have had sex with that zombie.
He wondered what he should do about his severed extremity.
Flush the toilet and say goodbye to an extra inch of manhood?
Scoop it into his pocket and ask a surgeon to sew it back on?
Or maybe just eat it and hope it grows back? After all, Melvin was getting kinda hungry.
In the end, though, his brain was overwrought from so much thinking. He reached into the bowl and scooped up the small, crusted nugget and slipped it into his pocket, deciding to worry about it later—after he filled the hollow void in his stomach.
He stumbled out of the bathroom and into the adjoining bedroom then grimaced at the sight of last night’s fuck sprawled across his bed. Melvin gagged when the stench radiating from her rotting crotch hit him like a ton of bricks.
Gawd, she smelled. He coughed into his palm while racing for the bedroom door. Once he’d made it to the kitchen, he gulped in the cleaner air. He groaned at the sharp stabbing pain in his head as he vaguely remembered chugging an entire bottle of tequila before taking the brainless bitch back to his apartment.
What in the hell had he been thinking?
This could seriously get in the way of his life’s aspirations, living off government welfare checks and selling pot out of his garage. Only werewolves would be foolish enough to buy weed off zombies, and they were usually too broke to pay for much more than a dime-bag.
Shit!
They didn’t give out food stamps for brains, so he’d have to get a real job if he wanted to pay the rent and buy more weed. All the zombies he knew worked in dry cleaning.
Dry cleaning!
The chemical smell, the little pins they put in clothing, that gigantic rotating wheel of clothes. What was that called, anyway?
He should have worn a condom, but it was too late now, much too late.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Musings of my Broken Heart aka Crappy Poetry
Ahhhh…. Remember those emotionally charged teen years? When love was true but you were blue and you found yourself waxing poetic over your indifferent and worthless pimply-faced high school crush?
** I suppose I should say the poem can't be too offensive. Although, if you've read some of my writing, you'd know it's pretty hard to be offensive around me. Still, if y'all turn in some totally sick f**ked up poems, I may just have to call the cops or, at the very least, disqualify your psycho poetry. For example, no doing nasty stuff with babies. We can't all be Hugh Hefner.
But after a few years, thankfully, you grew up. Your hormones settled. Your ass and thighs expanded. But best of all, you quit writing crappy poetry. Unfortunately, if you were like me, and brave enough to enter the world of trying to teach a new crop of high school kids how to appreciate real literature, you were, once again, subject to the mind-numbing torture of reading crappy poetry.
You’d be sitting at your desk, grading term papers and minding your own business, when a sniffling doe-eyed sophomore would sidle up to you while clutching a tear stained wad of paper in her hand.
“Ms. Jones,” she’d say, “I’m entering my poem in an online contest and I could win one-thousand dollars. Would you read it and tell me if it’s any good?”
Oh, Dear God, no!
But you smile and feign interest and take the paper from her outstretched hand. The poem would read something like this:
I loved you once
Now you’re gone
I don’t know how I
Can carry on
You promised me
We’d never part
Then you left
And broke my heart
At that moment, you realize that if poetry had a scent, this one would smell like vomit. But you smile again and tell her it’s sweet. You don’t tell her the truth because it would crush her already fragile heart. She skips back to her desk and grabs another piece of paper. To her, your admission that the poem is sweet is all the validation she needs that she is going to be the next teenaged Shakespeare.
Tell me, Ms. Jones, by refusing to tell this child the truth, what have you done? The next thing you know, she’s penned a whole book-full of crap, titled, “Musings of my Broken Heart.” Thanks to Amazon self-publishing, she can upload her spewing vomit and charge .99 cents to any hapless soul who accidentally downloads it.
Unfortunately, she will further spiral into self-loathing depression when only two people buy it. Who are those two people, you ask? Her mother, of course, and you. Yes, Ms. Jones, you created this monster, now you must carry on the charade and purchase her poetry.
This all could have been avoided had you told her the truth, or at least suggested an improvement, such as editing the last two lines.
You promised me
We’d never part
Excuse me ‘cause
I need to fart
Isn’t that revised poem much better?
Will she change it? Probably not. But at least you are not to be held responsible for her delusions of poetic genius.
Now I ask you fellow bards and sages to come up with a crappy poem of your own and leave it in the comments along with your email. At the end of one week (or two or three, depending on how may crappy poems I can collect), I will pick the crappiest of the vomit heap as the winner and you will win a free download of either Romance Novel or The Vampire Handbook plus an e-certificate deeming you the King or Queen of Poetic Mediocrity. How’s that for reaping the rewards of your literary genius?
** I suppose I should say the poem can't be too offensive. Although, if you've read some of my writing, you'd know it's pretty hard to be offensive around me. Still, if y'all turn in some totally sick f**ked up poems, I may just have to call the cops or, at the very least, disqualify your psycho poetry. For example, no doing nasty stuff with babies. We can't all be Hugh Hefner.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
REVIEWS FOR CHOCOLATE!!!
Oh, lookie! BlueInk reviews will review your book for just a nominal fee of up to $495. Yes, you too, can hire the 'professionals' to write a review of your book. Here's the kicker. If they don't like your writing, they won't publish the review.
Oh, how nice of them! For that much $$$ they'd better clean the windows, pick up the dogshi**, and do my laundry.
No wait.
They'd better send a tall, dark and twenty-something stud with bulging biceps to do it for them.
Otherwise, I'd say that $495 for a book review is, oh I don't know, FREAKIN' INSANE!
http://www.csmonitor.com/Books/chapter-and-verse/2011/0812/Bad-review-of-your-book-Voila!-It-s-gone
In light of this new trend for scammers...er reviewers to make $$$ off of indies to read and then review books, I've decided to start my own review business. However, you will find my services to be far more affordable as I charge in CHOCOLATE. The number of stars in your review depends on the candy quality.
Cheap American convenience store candy bars - One star
Boxed American chocolate (variety box with mostly crappy creme filled centers) - Two stars
Higher quality American chocolate (nuts and chews) - Three stars
European chocolate will garner four or five stars depending on the quality and quantity of the chocolate.
All you have to do is send me the chocolate as well as a free download of your book (or not, as I really don't intend on reading it, anyway) and then tell me what you'd like for me to say in your review. Sound ethical? Great! Reviews for Chocolate is now open for business!
Oh, how nice of them! For that much $$$ they'd better clean the windows, pick up the dogshi**, and do my laundry.
No wait.
They'd better send a tall, dark and twenty-something stud with bulging biceps to do it for them.
Otherwise, I'd say that $495 for a book review is, oh I don't know, FREAKIN' INSANE!
http://www.csmonitor.com/Books/chapter-and-verse/2011/0812/Bad-review-of-your-book-Voila!-It-s-gone
In light of this new trend for scammers...er reviewers to make $$$ off of indies to read and then review books, I've decided to start my own review business. However, you will find my services to be far more affordable as I charge in CHOCOLATE. The number of stars in your review depends on the candy quality.
Boxed American chocolate (variety box with mostly crappy creme filled centers) - Two stars
Higher quality American chocolate (nuts and chews) - Three stars
European chocolate will garner four or five stars depending on the quality and quantity of the chocolate.
All you have to do is send me the chocolate as well as a free download of your book (or not, as I really don't intend on reading it, anyway) and then tell me what you'd like for me to say in your review. Sound ethical? Great! Reviews for Chocolate is now open for business!
Friday, August 5, 2011
HELP ME!!!!
I have a confession to make. A reason why I don’t blog as often as I should, and not just because my brain farts of cleverly written prose only seem to come in random intervals. No, I’m a sloth, a slacker, a wastrel, a dreamer.
Why?
Because I’m too busy wasting time on other crap. Like, checking my Amazon sales reports. And my Nook sales reports. And my Smashwords sales reports.
Then there’s going to everyone else’s blogs. Of course, my waste of a day would not be complete without popping in on the KindleBoards, checking my email, Twitter and FaceBook accounts. Oh, and did I mention checking my Amazon sales reports? And then checking them again?
Let’s not forget Googling myself to see if readers have written any new reviews. Then there’s liking, tagging and reviewing all my writer friends. Of course, I’ve got to read. And choosing my next book takes time, since I’ve got this unstoppable habit of downloading new books whenever I check my Amazon reviews. All those pretty blurbs. All those pretty covers. I just can’t help myself.
And then, of course, I’ve got to check my Amazon sales reports. Haven’t I already checked them three times today, you ask? Why, I don’t remember. Have I? Perhaps I should just go check again.
Oh, yes, and there’s that other thing I do. Writing books. I’ve got to fit at least an hour of writing into my busy day as a time waster….er writer.
So there you have it, my confession. Please forgive me. I’m going to make it a point to blog more .I promise. After I check my Amazon sales reports.
Why?
Because I’m too busy wasting time on other crap. Like, checking my Amazon sales reports. And my Nook sales reports. And my Smashwords sales reports.
Then there’s going to everyone else’s blogs. Of course, my waste of a day would not be complete without popping in on the KindleBoards, checking my email, Twitter and FaceBook accounts. Oh, and did I mention checking my Amazon sales reports? And then checking them again?
Let’s not forget Googling myself to see if readers have written any new reviews. Then there’s liking, tagging and reviewing all my writer friends. Of course, I’ve got to read. And choosing my next book takes time, since I’ve got this unstoppable habit of downloading new books whenever I check my Amazon reviews. All those pretty blurbs. All those pretty covers. I just can’t help myself.
And then, of course, I’ve got to check my Amazon sales reports. Haven’t I already checked them three times today, you ask? Why, I don’t remember. Have I? Perhaps I should just go check again.
Oh, yes, and there’s that other thing I do. Writing books. I’ve got to fit at least an hour of writing into my busy day as a time waster….er writer.
So there you have it, my confession. Please forgive me. I’m going to make it a point to blog more .I promise. After I check my Amazon sales reports.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Download your FREE copy of Naughty Little Schnitzel!
It's here! Get your FREE copy of Naughty Little Schnitzel on SmashWords. It should be ready on Kindle in a few days.
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/77841
NAUGHTY LITTLE SCHNITZEL: Ted Ledbetter has dreamed of becoming a porn star, just like his late father, Thunderhead Ted. Unfortunately, Ted’s got one small problem preventing him from making it in this cut-throat industry. With the help of his beautiful, yet frightening assistant, Ted’s determined to produce his own adult film and prove to the world that he’s man enough to be a Naughty Little Schnitzel.
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/77841
NAUGHTY LITTLE SCHNITZEL: Ted Ledbetter has dreamed of becoming a porn star, just like his late father, Thunderhead Ted. Unfortunately, Ted’s got one small problem preventing him from making it in this cut-throat industry. With the help of his beautiful, yet frightening assistant, Ted’s determined to produce his own adult film and prove to the world that he’s man enough to be a Naughty Little Schnitzel.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
YES! NO! YES! NOOO! What was I thinking?
What WAS I thinking when I wrote this story? Eghads! I'm pretty sure I just sealed my fate in hell (or at least a really sucky version of purgatory). Okay, peeps, I PROMISE I won't write anything cruder than this. LOL!
I'll release the blurb when Naughty Little Schnitzel comes out on Smashwords FOR FREE soon, hopefully a few days with a little luck from the SmashGods.
And, yes, do judge the book by the cover. My parody of adult film stars REALLY is THAT bad!
I'll release the blurb when Naughty Little Schnitzel comes out on Smashwords FOR FREE soon, hopefully a few days with a little luck from the SmashGods.
And, yes, do judge the book by the cover. My parody of adult film stars REALLY is THAT bad!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
FLABIO has his own FB fan page!
Dear God, what have I done??? In response to many readers wanting me to bring Flabio back, I've created a fan page for him. If he asks you to bake him muffins, just ignore him. And whatever you do, don't agree to meet him on a dinner date. You may just lose a finger while reaching for the last dinner roll.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Flabio/167703973299785?v=wall
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Flabio/167703973299785?v=wall
Sunday, July 17, 2011
THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK is OUT!!!
My newest parody (6000 words) has just released for only 99 cents! The Vampire Handbook, features bonus reads: The Zombie Handbook and the Were-Thing Handbook. No one is spared in this one: The Twilight Saga, Casey Anthony, Justin Bieber, Anthony Wiener, Kim Kardashian and more...
http://www.amazon.com/The-Vampire-Handbook-ebook/dp/B005D14XPO/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1310916312&sr=8-14
Synopsis:
So, after a painstakingly long soul-searching (at least five minutes) and after grappling with the possible fate of your immortal soul (who cares if you’re not going to die, anyway), you’ve decided to become a vampire.
Congratulations!
But before beginning that dark and shadowed journey into a life of eternal damnation, every vampire is required to read THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, a short step-by-step guide to becoming a vampire and then adjusting to the bloodsucking lifestyle.
Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more...
In addition to THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, you will also get THE WERE/SHAPE-SHIFTER HANDBOOK and THE ZOMBIE HANDBOOK as well as a few sample chapters from my sparkly vampire parody, ROMANCE NOVEL.
Friday, July 15, 2011
THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK!!!
In celebration of my new .99 cent short story, THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK: AND OTHER USEFUL RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR ADAPTING TO THE IMMORTAL LIFESTYLE, coming to your Kindle next week, I've posted a scene below.
ENGAGING IN BATTLE WITH OTHER IMMORTALS
It is not recommended that vampires engage in physical violence with other immortal races, as vampires could get their heads knocked off a, wnd risk the possibility of an eternity in hell. However, as this rarely happens, this advisory is of little consequence. Everyone knows vampires are the most bad-ass immortals alive…er dead. However, should a battle ensue, it’s essential that vampires know the proper procedures for defending themselves.
HOW TO BATTLE WEREWOLVES, OR SHAPE-SHIFTERS, OR WHATEVER IN THE HELL THEY ARE: Since were-animals are usually from the poor, shitty areas of town, it is safe to assume that they are also uneducated and easily manipulated. However, their ignorance can also make them more dangerous. It is highly recommended that every vampire carry several marijuana joints in his/her pocket at all times for this reason. Usually, the were-animal can be easily calmed with a few hits of pot. If drugs do not soothe the savage beast, depending on the size of the monster, the vampire’s best option is to run like hell. Because Hell is exactly where the vampire will be heading if the vampire is decapitated by the animal.
ZOMBIES: Zombies are usually pretty easy to outrun as they walk at an unusually slow pace and vampires have an unnatural ability to run faster than a jackrabbit on speed. Since most zombies have the IQ of a peanut, it’s best to run from them as well. Remember, ignorance is dangerous. No matter how slow a zombie may be, no immortal can top the brute strength of a zombie’s crushing grip.
WITCHES AND WIZARDS: Run like hell from them, too. They can fly really fast on broomsticks and they know magic. Besides, there is a certain witch and wizard saga that is way more literary and entertaining than a certain vampire saga; therefore; you suck. They win. Shut up and run.
ALL OTHER IMMORTALS: Run from them, too. Let’s face it. As a vampire, it’s your job to look sexy in leather pants. You’re attractive. You’re urbane. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of a wooden stake? Probably not. Just get the hell out of Dodge, or PitchForks, or whatever city your pansy ass haunts at nights, and leave the real fighting to the monsters who never get laid.
ENGAGING IN BATTLE WITH OTHER IMMORTALS
It is not recommended that vampires engage in physical violence with other immortal races, as vampires could get their heads knocked off a, wnd risk the possibility of an eternity in hell. However, as this rarely happens, this advisory is of little consequence. Everyone knows vampires are the most bad-ass immortals alive…er dead. However, should a battle ensue, it’s essential that vampires know the proper procedures for defending themselves.
HOW TO BATTLE WEREWOLVES, OR SHAPE-SHIFTERS, OR WHATEVER IN THE HELL THEY ARE: Since were-animals are usually from the poor, shitty areas of town, it is safe to assume that they are also uneducated and easily manipulated. However, their ignorance can also make them more dangerous. It is highly recommended that every vampire carry several marijuana joints in his/her pocket at all times for this reason. Usually, the were-animal can be easily calmed with a few hits of pot. If drugs do not soothe the savage beast, depending on the size of the monster, the vampire’s best option is to run like hell. Because Hell is exactly where the vampire will be heading if the vampire is decapitated by the animal.
ZOMBIES: Zombies are usually pretty easy to outrun as they walk at an unusually slow pace and vampires have an unnatural ability to run faster than a jackrabbit on speed. Since most zombies have the IQ of a peanut, it’s best to run from them as well. Remember, ignorance is dangerous. No matter how slow a zombie may be, no immortal can top the brute strength of a zombie’s crushing grip.
WITCHES AND WIZARDS: Run like hell from them, too. They can fly really fast on broomsticks and they know magic. Besides, there is a certain witch and wizard saga that is way more literary and entertaining than a certain vampire saga; therefore; you suck. They win. Shut up and run.
ALL OTHER IMMORTALS: Run from them, too. Let’s face it. As a vampire, it’s your job to look sexy in leather pants. You’re attractive. You’re urbane. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of a wooden stake? Probably not. Just get the hell out of Dodge, or PitchForks, or whatever city your pansy ass haunts at nights, and leave the real fighting to the monsters who never get laid.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Another new cover?
Well, a writer friend told me a few weeks ago that Romance Novel is missing a huge market since it mostly parodies a certain sparkly teen vamp saga. To say the least, I've been hesitant to market the book toward that fan base. Though most of those readers are over 18 now, I know the saga probably has a continual cult following of impressionable young readers.
Do I dare use a cover that would appeal to them? How can I not when I know I'm missing out on a large number of adult readers? Finally, I came to three conclusions.
1. Deadward is an environmentally friendly, disco loving vampire.
2. There's a part of me, and it's a pretty dominant part of me, that thirsts for more sales.
3. Teenage girls who are downloading books to their Kindles need their parents' credit cards. Hopefully, their parents are irrevocably and unconditionally not allowing them to download adult books. Besides, I'll put a disclaimer in the blurb that this is an adult novel.
Sooo...Poor Flabio will certainly NOT be happy with me when he discovers I've traded his moobs for a were-gerbil, but business is business. Sorry Flabio. I am about 90 percent sure I will change the cover. What do you think?
Do I dare use a cover that would appeal to them? How can I not when I know I'm missing out on a large number of adult readers? Finally, I came to three conclusions.
1. Deadward is an environmentally friendly, disco loving vampire.
2. There's a part of me, and it's a pretty dominant part of me, that thirsts for more sales.
3. Teenage girls who are downloading books to their Kindles need their parents' credit cards. Hopefully, their parents are irrevocably and unconditionally not allowing them to download adult books. Besides, I'll put a disclaimer in the blurb that this is an adult novel.
Sooo...Poor Flabio will certainly NOT be happy with me when he discovers I've traded his moobs for a were-gerbil, but business is business. Sorry Flabio. I am about 90 percent sure I will change the cover. What do you think?
Monday, June 20, 2011
ROMANCE NOVEL'S blog tour has begun!
Guess what? Today I'm blogging about my paranormal romance parody, Romance Novel, with Desiree Holt today! Leave a comment for a chance to win a Starbuck's gift card. PJ http://www.desireeholttellsall.com/
And please stop by my awesome Goddess Fish blog tour for more chances to win!
6/20/2011 Desiree Holt Tells All
6/21/2011 Sugarbeat's Books
6/22/2011 Alisha Paige
6/23/2011 Sue Perkins, Fantasy, Romance & Young Adult Author
6/24/2011 Sexy Adventures, Passionate Tales
6/27/2011 Book Junkie
6/28/2011 Grace Elliot
6/29/2011 Lisa Haselton's Reviews and Interviews
6/30/2011 BK Walker Books, Etc.
7/1/2011 Misc. Ramblings
And please stop by my awesome Goddess Fish blog tour for more chances to win!
6/20/2011 Desiree Holt Tells All
6/21/2011 Sugarbeat's Books
6/22/2011 Alisha Paige
6/23/2011 Sue Perkins, Fantasy, Romance & Young Adult Author
6/24/2011 Sexy Adventures, Passionate Tales
6/27/2011 Book Junkie
6/28/2011 Grace Elliot
6/29/2011 Lisa Haselton's Reviews and Interviews
6/30/2011 BK Walker Books, Etc.
7/1/2011 Misc. Ramblings
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Five Reasons why self-pubbing ROCKS!
Having published five books under another pen-name through a publisher, I thought I'd share my reasons for believing self-pubbing through Kindle/Nook/Smashwords really does ROCK.
1. IF YOUR BOOK SUCKS, IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT BUT YOUR OWN.
One of my most frustrating experiences as a writer was when my editor made me change the ending of one of my novels, making my heroine choose a path that I didn't believe was right for her. I felt the ending sucked, but what was I to do? Pull my book and not finish out the series? Yes, I do have crit partners that give me their input on the direction of my novel, but as a self-pubbed author, all final decisions are mine!
2. KNOW HOW YOUR BOOK IS SELLING FROM DAY TO DAY, SO YOU CAN ADJUST YOUR MARKETING STRATEGY. If you only get royalty reports every month, quarter or (gasp) year, you won't know if your marketing has paid off and you may miss a lot of potential sales. On the downside, we Kindlers can get a little obsessive with checking our earnings. Guilty as charged!
3. IF YOUR COVER SUCKS, IT'S YOUR FAULT, TOO. That's right. You have to power to shop for artists. Though artwork may be costly, that's one of the downsides of self-pubbing, but, IMHO, it beats having a publisher tell me 'too bad, so sad' if I don't like my cover.
4. YOU DECIDE WHEN THE BOOK IS RELEASED. And you don't need to wait a year after you've finished the book for it to come out. I've had readers email me after a book was released asking me questions about my heroine's motivation, etc... I honestly forgot what happened in the novel. I was too wrapped up in my upcoming release.
5. BACK TO NUMBER ONE - IF YOUR BOOK SUCKS....YOU CAN FIX IT!!! That's right. You've learned a little bit more about the craft of writing since pubbing that bomb a few months ago. Your plot had more holes than FLABIO'S underwear after a spicy chili eating contest. So go pull the darned thing, fill in those holes and upload it again. That's the magic of self-pubbing through Kindle! PJ
1. IF YOUR BOOK SUCKS, IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT BUT YOUR OWN.
One of my most frustrating experiences as a writer was when my editor made me change the ending of one of my novels, making my heroine choose a path that I didn't believe was right for her. I felt the ending sucked, but what was I to do? Pull my book and not finish out the series? Yes, I do have crit partners that give me their input on the direction of my novel, but as a self-pubbed author, all final decisions are mine!
2. KNOW HOW YOUR BOOK IS SELLING FROM DAY TO DAY, SO YOU CAN ADJUST YOUR MARKETING STRATEGY. If you only get royalty reports every month, quarter or (gasp) year, you won't know if your marketing has paid off and you may miss a lot of potential sales. On the downside, we Kindlers can get a little obsessive with checking our earnings. Guilty as charged!
3. IF YOUR COVER SUCKS, IT'S YOUR FAULT, TOO. That's right. You have to power to shop for artists. Though artwork may be costly, that's one of the downsides of self-pubbing, but, IMHO, it beats having a publisher tell me 'too bad, so sad' if I don't like my cover.
4. YOU DECIDE WHEN THE BOOK IS RELEASED. And you don't need to wait a year after you've finished the book for it to come out. I've had readers email me after a book was released asking me questions about my heroine's motivation, etc... I honestly forgot what happened in the novel. I was too wrapped up in my upcoming release.
5. BACK TO NUMBER ONE - IF YOUR BOOK SUCKS....YOU CAN FIX IT!!! That's right. You've learned a little bit more about the craft of writing since pubbing that bomb a few months ago. Your plot had more holes than FLABIO'S underwear after a spicy chili eating contest. So go pull the darned thing, fill in those holes and upload it again. That's the magic of self-pubbing through Kindle! PJ
Thursday, May 26, 2011
How to deal with CRAZY people!
First off, I used to live in Las Vegas. Therefore, you could consider me somewhat of an expert on CRAZY people.
Though there is a debate as to their prevalance or even existence (and belive me, they do exist) unlike demons, vampires or ghouls, you don't need a special sixth sense to detect one. You just need a bit of common sense and maybe a vial of holy water.
Perhaps you knew a potential crazy when you were a child, like Little Lara Ledbetter who swore she would never marry, but would adopt 100 cats when she grew up. In the seventh grade, she wore high heels with tube socks and always rolled each sock into symmetrical do-nuts which stopped at each ankle. Was this some kind of new bizzare fashion trend? Had her cats told her to do it?
My favorite, or least favorite crazy person, was Jesus Christ. No, not that one. The one who picked up his daughter from play group at my house. Oh, yes, I was in for quite a surprise that day. Needless to say, my daughter wasn't too pleased when I told her she was no longer allowed to play with this particular girl. How do you explain to a five-year-old that her best friend's dad scares the crap out of Mommy?
By the way, did you know that Freddy Mercury and other famous celebrities were actually demons in disguise? Did you honestly think such raw musical genius could be possessed by a mere mortal? Pshaw! All this, according to Jesus Dad, who learned this shortly before he arose from the dead.
Yes, Bohemian Rhapsody is one of my all-time favorite songs. And no wonder I love it! Those demons really know how to rock!
So, PJ, how on earth do you deal with crazy people? Look, just smile and learn to take them in stride. They might be having an off day, an off week, possibly an off life. I know I've said some crazy things during my PMS cycle. Even though my PMS can get pretty ugly, I don't recall ever being resurrected from the dead. However, I have threatened to do bodily harm to others.
You see, we've all got a bit of crazy in us. Crazy can be good. After all, life would be pretty boring if we kept them all locked up in Vegas. Except for that flasher who did that really gross thing on the hood of my car in front of a Vegas night club. He can stay in Vegas.
Today's post was inspired by a particular writer friend of mine who is dealing with her own personal crazy.
BTW - My newest novel will be released this summer: DRIVING ME NUTS! - Three mental patients, two loaded guns, one stolen car and a WHOLE lot of trouble!
Though there is a debate as to their prevalance or even existence (and belive me, they do exist) unlike demons, vampires or ghouls, you don't need a special sixth sense to detect one. You just need a bit of common sense and maybe a vial of holy water.
Perhaps you knew a potential crazy when you were a child, like Little Lara Ledbetter who swore she would never marry, but would adopt 100 cats when she grew up. In the seventh grade, she wore high heels with tube socks and always rolled each sock into symmetrical do-nuts which stopped at each ankle. Was this some kind of new bizzare fashion trend? Had her cats told her to do it?
My favorite, or least favorite crazy person, was Jesus Christ. No, not that one. The one who picked up his daughter from play group at my house. Oh, yes, I was in for quite a surprise that day. Needless to say, my daughter wasn't too pleased when I told her she was no longer allowed to play with this particular girl. How do you explain to a five-year-old that her best friend's dad scares the crap out of Mommy?
By the way, did you know that Freddy Mercury and other famous celebrities were actually demons in disguise? Did you honestly think such raw musical genius could be possessed by a mere mortal? Pshaw! All this, according to Jesus Dad, who learned this shortly before he arose from the dead.
Yes, Bohemian Rhapsody is one of my all-time favorite songs. And no wonder I love it! Those demons really know how to rock!
So, PJ, how on earth do you deal with crazy people? Look, just smile and learn to take them in stride. They might be having an off day, an off week, possibly an off life. I know I've said some crazy things during my PMS cycle. Even though my PMS can get pretty ugly, I don't recall ever being resurrected from the dead. However, I have threatened to do bodily harm to others.
You see, we've all got a bit of crazy in us. Crazy can be good. After all, life would be pretty boring if we kept them all locked up in Vegas. Except for that flasher who did that really gross thing on the hood of my car in front of a Vegas night club. He can stay in Vegas.
Today's post was inspired by a particular writer friend of mine who is dealing with her own personal crazy.
BTW - My newest novel will be released this summer: DRIVING ME NUTS! - Three mental patients, two loaded guns, one stolen car and a WHOLE lot of trouble!
Monday, May 23, 2011
PJ's List of Annoying Drivers
I wrote this list a while back and recently dug it up when I was cleaning my desktop. This list still has the power to irritate me while making me laugh. Enjoy! PJ
1. Parents who don’t put kids in car seats. Usually these parents are too distracted to drive safely as their little brats are bouncing all around the back seat. Where’s a cop when you need one?
2. Guys who blast their shi**y music with their windows down. Does the whole world want to listen to your crap? No. You think we all care about your expensive stereo, but we don’t. If I want to listen to music, I’ll turn on my own stereo, thank you. My stereo may not be as big as yours, but neither is my ego. Because you’re self centered and insecure, you need the world to listen to your music, so we can validate that you actually are cool.
3. People who load the back of their trucks with too much sh**. In order to save a tank of gas, you’ll try to stuff every scrap of your furniture into one load. Never mind the lawsuit you’ll be facing when your futon crashes through someone’s windshield. So far, I’ve dodged a lawn chair, a glass top coffee table and a mattress. Sorry, but your patio furniture isn’t my idea of a hood ornament.
4. The guy who orders the deluxe car wash for his piece of sh** ’82 rusty Dodge pickup with a missing front fender. Who in the hell is going to notice your Lustra three coat sealant? Save that extra four dollars for a new fender at the junkyard. I’ve got a schedule to keep, and I don’t like wasting my time waiting behind you.
5. The car snob who takes up two parking spaces so his car won’t get scratched. If your car is so damned special, then park it somewhere else – your garage. Borrow your friend’s ’82 rusty Dodge before you learn the hard way. Taking up two spaces will INCREASE your chances of damage to your pretty paint job. Like, the words ASSHOLE scrawled on your driver’s side door in key marks. Maybe you think you’re special because of your expensive car, but unless you’re the guy who massages my feet and makes me howl at night, you’re nobody to me.
1. Parents who don’t put kids in car seats. Usually these parents are too distracted to drive safely as their little brats are bouncing all around the back seat. Where’s a cop when you need one?
2. Guys who blast their shi**y music with their windows down. Does the whole world want to listen to your crap? No. You think we all care about your expensive stereo, but we don’t. If I want to listen to music, I’ll turn on my own stereo, thank you. My stereo may not be as big as yours, but neither is my ego. Because you’re self centered and insecure, you need the world to listen to your music, so we can validate that you actually are cool.
3. People who load the back of their trucks with too much sh**. In order to save a tank of gas, you’ll try to stuff every scrap of your furniture into one load. Never mind the lawsuit you’ll be facing when your futon crashes through someone’s windshield. So far, I’ve dodged a lawn chair, a glass top coffee table and a mattress. Sorry, but your patio furniture isn’t my idea of a hood ornament.
4. The guy who orders the deluxe car wash for his piece of sh** ’82 rusty Dodge pickup with a missing front fender. Who in the hell is going to notice your Lustra three coat sealant? Save that extra four dollars for a new fender at the junkyard. I’ve got a schedule to keep, and I don’t like wasting my time waiting behind you.
5. The car snob who takes up two parking spaces so his car won’t get scratched. If your car is so damned special, then park it somewhere else – your garage. Borrow your friend’s ’82 rusty Dodge before you learn the hard way. Taking up two spaces will INCREASE your chances of damage to your pretty paint job. Like, the words ASSHOLE scrawled on your driver’s side door in key marks. Maybe you think you’re special because of your expensive car, but unless you’re the guy who massages my feet and makes me howl at night, you’re nobody to me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
From Tragedy to Parody
From Tragedy to Parody. Stop by Rebecca Knight's blog and find out why I wrote ROMANCE NOVEL plus read the hilarious scene that inspired it all! http://rebeccaknightbooks.blogspot.com/
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Too Many Ebooks or does someone want to hog the island?
A nice fella by the name of ANDRE posted a blog article that there are too durned many ebooks.
http://coolmainpress.com/ajwriting/
My favurit quote-tashun is how he calls us Kindlers 'hillbillies'.
"My adventures among the unfriendly hillbillies in the Kindle Swamplands..."
Mr. Andre, I don't reckon yur from around my neck of the woods, but Iz sure glad youz smart enough ta writes that article showin' us how dumb we are and all.
He wuz brave enuf ta soil his britches and trudge thru the Kindle muck and post the link ta his article on the Kindle Boards. Some of them Kindle authors is darned near riled up. I ain't no rocket scientist, but I gets the feeling Mr. Andre is tryin' ta hog the epub island and kick all of us other not-so-smart writters off.
That's just my opin-yun. That and about two bucks will git ya a cola and some corn fritters.
Now, normally, I ain't one ta hold no hard feelings, but I'z wanted ta show a little somethin' ta Mr. Andre. See, there, THE ISLAND IS MINE!
And a nutter thing, I gots the last mango, chocolate and Twinkie, (have ta read Kindle Boards ta git that joke) and I ain't sharin it wit nobody, except my fella hillbillie writters! PJ
http://coolmainpress.com/ajwriting/
My favurit quote-tashun is how he calls us Kindlers 'hillbillies'.
"My adventures among the unfriendly hillbillies in the Kindle Swamplands..."
Mr. Andre, I don't reckon yur from around my neck of the woods, but Iz sure glad youz smart enough ta writes that article showin' us how dumb we are and all.
He wuz brave enuf ta soil his britches and trudge thru the Kindle muck and post the link ta his article on the Kindle Boards. Some of them Kindle authors is darned near riled up. I ain't no rocket scientist, but I gets the feeling Mr. Andre is tryin' ta hog the epub island and kick all of us other not-so-smart writters off.
That's just my opin-yun. That and about two bucks will git ya a cola and some corn fritters.
Now, normally, I ain't one ta hold no hard feelings, but I'z wanted ta show a little somethin' ta Mr. Andre. See, there, THE ISLAND IS MINE!
And a nutter thing, I gots the last mango, chocolate and Twinkie, (have ta read Kindle Boards ta git that joke) and I ain't sharin it wit nobody, except my fella hillbillie writters! PJ
Monday, May 9, 2011
Celebrate my Cyberlaunch and enter to win a Starbuck's gift card!
Author Island is hosting my launch party today! Won't you join us? Register for a chance to win a Starbuck's gift card!
http://www.cyberlaunchparty.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
How many landfills can a vampire fill in an eternity?
Answer...a lot. And now here's Chapter One of ROMANCE NOVEL!
Chapter 1
“Miss Rosepetal. I’m afraid your baby is gravely ill. As each day passes, his heart beats slower. Eventually, it will stop.” Dr. Wannabush sat on the edge of his desk, twirling the tip of his dark, slender moustache, while he peered down at Smella Rosepetal through small, dark-rimmed spectacles.
“Not my little Joshua!” Hands clasped over her heart, the young mother‘s gaze swept over the rosy-cheeked, crimson-haired, infant sleeping in the basket beside her chair. “Doctor,” she cried, “you must save him!”
Dr. Wannabush stood, adjusting the heavy weight in his crotch while he thrust his pelvis precariously close to the bridge of Smella’s blemish-free, and not overly-large, forehead. “He will need a heart transplant, but the operation is risky.”
Smella managed to look up at the doctor’s face, despite the stiffened protrusion obscuring her vision. “How risky?” she asked.
Shaking his head, the doctor sat back down, the bulge in his plaid polyester pants looking more like an erect circus tent. “There is a fifty-percent chance he will not make it.”
“Oh, my baby!” She cried, her long tresses coming undone from their neat, maidenly confinement, in lush, cascading, dark waves, despite the fact that Smella hadn’t touched her scalp.
The doctor arched a slender brow. “And there’s more.”
“More?” she gasped.
“Your health insurance doesn’t cover this type of surgery.” The doctor leveled her with a hardened stare. “You will need five hundred thousand dollars.”
“Doctor, I’m a vulnerable single mother, desperately in need of a strong man to take care of me.” A hand flew to her brow and she turned pleading violet eyes upon him. “Where am I to get that kind of money?”
Lost in a perfectly staged, yet not painstakingly long, lapse of thought, the doctor rubbed his chiseled jaw. “Might I suggest you marry a young, sophisticated, wealthy Texas tycoon with raven hair and bulging biceps, who’s not afraid of a long-term commitment to a poor, ignorant, yet surprisingly beautiful, single mother, who for some reason has a flat stomach and firm breasts, despite the fact that she recently birthed an illegitimate child?”
“What a good idea.” Suddenly forgetting the gravity of the situation, Smella nearly jumped out of her seat, her perky breasts jiggling once, then coming to a complete, controlled stop. “How can I ever thank you?”
Dr. Wannabush shrugged, a sly grin creasing the corners of his mouth. “A quickie on top of my desk.”
Batting long, lush lashes, she shook her head apologetically. “I’m sorry, doctor, but I’m saving my virginity for my one true love.”
His forehead wrinkled in obvious confusion. “You have a baby.”
“Yes, I know. He’s the light of my life, and so smart.” She looked down at the baby again, which had somehow sprouted blond hair and a dimple in his chin. “He cries only on cue and knows not to interrupt a scene between Mommy and a minor secondary character.”
The doctor heaved a sigh. “Are you sure I can’t change your mind about that quickie?”
“No, doctor, I’m sorry. I must hurry to Texas if I am to save my baby.” Smella and her breasts quickly stood. She single-handedly lifted the infant’s basket with surprising ease before abruptly turning and heading for the door. “Thank you for everything. Maybe if you’re lucky, you will have sex in a sequel.”
Buy ROMANCE NOVEL ON KINDLE!
Buy ROMANCE NOVEL ON NOOK!
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