I have a confession to make. A reason why I don’t blog as often as I should, and not just because my brain farts of cleverly written prose only seem to come in random intervals. No, I’m a sloth, a slacker, a wastrel, a dreamer.
Why?
Because I’m too busy wasting time on other crap. Like, checking my Amazon sales reports. And my Nook sales reports. And my Smashwords sales reports.
Then there’s going to everyone else’s blogs. Of course, my waste of a day would not be complete without popping in on the KindleBoards, checking my email, Twitter and FaceBook accounts. Oh, and did I mention checking my Amazon sales reports? And then checking them again?
Let’s not forget Googling myself to see if readers have written any new reviews. Then there’s liking, tagging and reviewing all my writer friends. Of course, I’ve got to read. And choosing my next book takes time, since I’ve got this unstoppable habit of downloading new books whenever I check my Amazon reviews. All those pretty blurbs. All those pretty covers. I just can’t help myself.
And then, of course, I’ve got to check my Amazon sales reports. Haven’t I already checked them three times today, you ask? Why, I don’t remember. Have I? Perhaps I should just go check again.
Oh, yes, and there’s that other thing I do. Writing books. I’ve got to fit at least an hour of writing into my busy day as a time waster….er writer.
So there you have it, my confession. Please forgive me. I’m going to make it a point to blog more .I promise. After I check my Amazon sales reports.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Download your FREE copy of Naughty Little Schnitzel!
It's here! Get your FREE copy of Naughty Little Schnitzel on SmashWords. It should be ready on Kindle in a few days.
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/77841
NAUGHTY LITTLE SCHNITZEL: Ted Ledbetter has dreamed of becoming a porn star, just like his late father, Thunderhead Ted. Unfortunately, Ted’s got one small problem preventing him from making it in this cut-throat industry. With the help of his beautiful, yet frightening assistant, Ted’s determined to produce his own adult film and prove to the world that he’s man enough to be a Naughty Little Schnitzel.
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/77841
NAUGHTY LITTLE SCHNITZEL: Ted Ledbetter has dreamed of becoming a porn star, just like his late father, Thunderhead Ted. Unfortunately, Ted’s got one small problem preventing him from making it in this cut-throat industry. With the help of his beautiful, yet frightening assistant, Ted’s determined to produce his own adult film and prove to the world that he’s man enough to be a Naughty Little Schnitzel.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
YES! NO! YES! NOOO! What was I thinking?
What WAS I thinking when I wrote this story? Eghads! I'm pretty sure I just sealed my fate in hell (or at least a really sucky version of purgatory). Okay, peeps, I PROMISE I won't write anything cruder than this. LOL!
I'll release the blurb when Naughty Little Schnitzel comes out on Smashwords FOR FREE soon, hopefully a few days with a little luck from the SmashGods.
And, yes, do judge the book by the cover. My parody of adult film stars REALLY is THAT bad!
I'll release the blurb when Naughty Little Schnitzel comes out on Smashwords FOR FREE soon, hopefully a few days with a little luck from the SmashGods.
And, yes, do judge the book by the cover. My parody of adult film stars REALLY is THAT bad!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
FLABIO has his own FB fan page!
Dear God, what have I done??? In response to many readers wanting me to bring Flabio back, I've created a fan page for him. If he asks you to bake him muffins, just ignore him. And whatever you do, don't agree to meet him on a dinner date. You may just lose a finger while reaching for the last dinner roll.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Flabio/167703973299785?v=wall
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Flabio/167703973299785?v=wall
Sunday, July 17, 2011
THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK is OUT!!!
My newest parody (6000 words) has just released for only 99 cents! The Vampire Handbook, features bonus reads: The Zombie Handbook and the Were-Thing Handbook. No one is spared in this one: The Twilight Saga, Casey Anthony, Justin Bieber, Anthony Wiener, Kim Kardashian and more...
http://www.amazon.com/The-Vampire-Handbook-ebook/dp/B005D14XPO/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1310916312&sr=8-14
Synopsis:
So, after a painstakingly long soul-searching (at least five minutes) and after grappling with the possible fate of your immortal soul (who cares if you’re not going to die, anyway), you’ve decided to become a vampire.
Congratulations!
But before beginning that dark and shadowed journey into a life of eternal damnation, every vampire is required to read THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, a short step-by-step guide to becoming a vampire and then adjusting to the bloodsucking lifestyle.
Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more...
In addition to THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, you will also get THE WERE/SHAPE-SHIFTER HANDBOOK and THE ZOMBIE HANDBOOK as well as a few sample chapters from my sparkly vampire parody, ROMANCE NOVEL.
Friday, July 15, 2011
THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK!!!
In celebration of my new .99 cent short story, THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK: AND OTHER USEFUL RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR ADAPTING TO THE IMMORTAL LIFESTYLE, coming to your Kindle next week, I've posted a scene below.
ENGAGING IN BATTLE WITH OTHER IMMORTALS
It is not recommended that vampires engage in physical violence with other immortal races, as vampires could get their heads knocked off a, wnd risk the possibility of an eternity in hell. However, as this rarely happens, this advisory is of little consequence. Everyone knows vampires are the most bad-ass immortals alive…er dead. However, should a battle ensue, it’s essential that vampires know the proper procedures for defending themselves.
HOW TO BATTLE WEREWOLVES, OR SHAPE-SHIFTERS, OR WHATEVER IN THE HELL THEY ARE: Since were-animals are usually from the poor, shitty areas of town, it is safe to assume that they are also uneducated and easily manipulated. However, their ignorance can also make them more dangerous. It is highly recommended that every vampire carry several marijuana joints in his/her pocket at all times for this reason. Usually, the were-animal can be easily calmed with a few hits of pot. If drugs do not soothe the savage beast, depending on the size of the monster, the vampire’s best option is to run like hell. Because Hell is exactly where the vampire will be heading if the vampire is decapitated by the animal.
ZOMBIES: Zombies are usually pretty easy to outrun as they walk at an unusually slow pace and vampires have an unnatural ability to run faster than a jackrabbit on speed. Since most zombies have the IQ of a peanut, it’s best to run from them as well. Remember, ignorance is dangerous. No matter how slow a zombie may be, no immortal can top the brute strength of a zombie’s crushing grip.
WITCHES AND WIZARDS: Run like hell from them, too. They can fly really fast on broomsticks and they know magic. Besides, there is a certain witch and wizard saga that is way more literary and entertaining than a certain vampire saga; therefore; you suck. They win. Shut up and run.
ALL OTHER IMMORTALS: Run from them, too. Let’s face it. As a vampire, it’s your job to look sexy in leather pants. You’re attractive. You’re urbane. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of a wooden stake? Probably not. Just get the hell out of Dodge, or PitchForks, or whatever city your pansy ass haunts at nights, and leave the real fighting to the monsters who never get laid.
ENGAGING IN BATTLE WITH OTHER IMMORTALS
It is not recommended that vampires engage in physical violence with other immortal races, as vampires could get their heads knocked off a, wnd risk the possibility of an eternity in hell. However, as this rarely happens, this advisory is of little consequence. Everyone knows vampires are the most bad-ass immortals alive…er dead. However, should a battle ensue, it’s essential that vampires know the proper procedures for defending themselves.
HOW TO BATTLE WEREWOLVES, OR SHAPE-SHIFTERS, OR WHATEVER IN THE HELL THEY ARE: Since were-animals are usually from the poor, shitty areas of town, it is safe to assume that they are also uneducated and easily manipulated. However, their ignorance can also make them more dangerous. It is highly recommended that every vampire carry several marijuana joints in his/her pocket at all times for this reason. Usually, the were-animal can be easily calmed with a few hits of pot. If drugs do not soothe the savage beast, depending on the size of the monster, the vampire’s best option is to run like hell. Because Hell is exactly where the vampire will be heading if the vampire is decapitated by the animal.
ZOMBIES: Zombies are usually pretty easy to outrun as they walk at an unusually slow pace and vampires have an unnatural ability to run faster than a jackrabbit on speed. Since most zombies have the IQ of a peanut, it’s best to run from them as well. Remember, ignorance is dangerous. No matter how slow a zombie may be, no immortal can top the brute strength of a zombie’s crushing grip.
WITCHES AND WIZARDS: Run like hell from them, too. They can fly really fast on broomsticks and they know magic. Besides, there is a certain witch and wizard saga that is way more literary and entertaining than a certain vampire saga; therefore; you suck. They win. Shut up and run.
ALL OTHER IMMORTALS: Run from them, too. Let’s face it. As a vampire, it’s your job to look sexy in leather pants. You’re attractive. You’re urbane. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of a wooden stake? Probably not. Just get the hell out of Dodge, or PitchForks, or whatever city your pansy ass haunts at nights, and leave the real fighting to the monsters who never get laid.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Another new cover?
Well, a writer friend told me a few weeks ago that Romance Novel is missing a huge market since it mostly parodies a certain sparkly teen vamp saga. To say the least, I've been hesitant to market the book toward that fan base. Though most of those readers are over 18 now, I know the saga probably has a continual cult following of impressionable young readers.
Do I dare use a cover that would appeal to them? How can I not when I know I'm missing out on a large number of adult readers? Finally, I came to three conclusions.
1. Deadward is an environmentally friendly, disco loving vampire.
2. There's a part of me, and it's a pretty dominant part of me, that thirsts for more sales.
3. Teenage girls who are downloading books to their Kindles need their parents' credit cards. Hopefully, their parents are irrevocably and unconditionally not allowing them to download adult books. Besides, I'll put a disclaimer in the blurb that this is an adult novel.
Sooo...Poor Flabio will certainly NOT be happy with me when he discovers I've traded his moobs for a were-gerbil, but business is business. Sorry Flabio. I am about 90 percent sure I will change the cover. What do you think?
Do I dare use a cover that would appeal to them? How can I not when I know I'm missing out on a large number of adult readers? Finally, I came to three conclusions.
1. Deadward is an environmentally friendly, disco loving vampire.
2. There's a part of me, and it's a pretty dominant part of me, that thirsts for more sales.
3. Teenage girls who are downloading books to their Kindles need their parents' credit cards. Hopefully, their parents are irrevocably and unconditionally not allowing them to download adult books. Besides, I'll put a disclaimer in the blurb that this is an adult novel.
Sooo...Poor Flabio will certainly NOT be happy with me when he discovers I've traded his moobs for a were-gerbil, but business is business. Sorry Flabio. I am about 90 percent sure I will change the cover. What do you think?
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